with pleasure. I had all sorts of vile stuff for dinner to-day, and I feel a row beginning in my stomach. Order a pipe to be filled for me. Where’s your pipe?”
“I don’t smoke a pipe,” said Tchitchikoff.
“Stuff! As if I didn’t know that you were a smoker. Hey, there! What’s his name? what do you call your man? Hey, there, Vakhramei, listen!”
“His name is not Vakhramei, but Petrushka.”
“What? Well, you used to have a Vakhramei?”
“I never had a Vakhramei.”
“Yes, exactly: it was Derebin who had a Vakhramei. Fancy what luck Derebin has: his aunt has quarrelled with her son because he has married a serf-girl, and now she has bequeathed all her property to Derebin. Thinks I to myself, ‘If I only had an aunt like that, even a distant one!’ But what’s the matter with you, my dear fellow, that you have been keeping aloof from everybody, and have not been anywhere? Of course I know that you are occasionally engaged in learned pursuits, that you are fond of reading.” (From what premises Nozdreff drew his conclusions that Tchitchikoff occupied himself with learned subjects, and that he was fond of reading, we cannot in the least divine, and Tchitchikoff still less.) “Ah, brother Tchitchikoff! if you only knew, it really would furnish food for your satirical humour.” (Why Tchitchikoff had a satirical mind is also unknown.) “Fancy, my dear fellow, they were playing at gorka at the house of Likhatcheff, the merchant: that’s where the laugh comes in! Perependeff was with me. ‘Look here,’ says he, ‘if Tchitchikoff were here now, this would just suit him!”’ (Tchitchikoff, by the way, had never known any Perependeff in his life.) “And confess, my dear fellow, that you behaved very meanly, you know, when—when you played that game of draughts with me. For I won. Yes, my dear fellow, you simply diddled me. But the deuce knows, I can’t cherish ill-will. The other day, at the president of the court’s—but stop! I must tell you, that the whole town is arrayed against you. They think that you make counterfeit money, and have appealed to me; but I defended you with all my might. I told them that I had been to school with you, and knew your father: well, there’s no use in particularising, but I told a lot of lies.”
“I make counterfeit money!” shrieked Tchitchikoff, springing from his chair.
“But why did you frighten them so?” went on Nozdreff. “The deuce knows, they nearly went out of their minds with terror: they made you out to be a spy and a highwayman. And the procurator has died of fright: his funeral will take place to-morrow. You won’t attend it, eh? To tell the truth, they are afraid of a new governor-general. But you have certainly undertaken a very risky business, Tchitchikoff.”
“What risky business?” inquired Tchitchikoff uneasily.
“Why, the abduction of the governor’s daughter. I must confess that I expected it: by heavens, I expected it! The very first time when I saw you together at the ball, ‘Well, now,’ I thought to myself, ‘Tchitchikoff is not doing that for nothing!’ But it’s useless for you to make such a choice: I can’t see anything pretty about her. Still, there is one girl worth having, a relative of Bikusoff’s, his sister’s daughter; and such a girl, too! One may really call her a wonderful piece of calico!”
“But what are you saying? What crack-brained affair is this? What do you mean by abducting the governor’s daughter?” said Tchitchikoff, staring with all his eyes.
“Come, enough of that, my dear fellow! What a reserved man you are! I admit that I came to you about this very matter: I am ready to assist you if you like. So be it: I will hold the crown over you,2 the calash and relays of horses shall be my care, but on one condition—that you will lend me three thousand roubles. I must have them, my dear fellow, or cut my throat.”