Jun. Pr’ythee, Petillius—

Pet. And, by mine honour, much drink, valiant drink:
Never tell me, thou shalt have drink. I see,
Like a true friend, into thy wants; ’tis drink;
And when I leave thee to a desolation,
Especially of that dry nature, hang me.

Jun. Why do you do this to me?

Pet. For I see,
Although your modesty would fain conceal it,
Which sits as sweetly on a soldier
As an old side-saddle—

Jun. What do you see?

Pet. I see as fair as day, that thou want’st drink.
Did I not find thee gaping like an oyster
For a new tide? Thy very thoughts lie bare,
Like a low ebb; thy soul, that rid in sack,
Lies moor’d for want of liquor. Do but see
Into thyself; for, by the gods, I do;
For all thy body’s chapt and crack’d like timber,
For want of moisture: What is’t thou want’st there, Junius,
An if it be not drink?

Jun. You have too much on’t.

Pet. It may be a whore too; say it be; come, meecher,
Thou shalt have both; a pretty valiant fellow,
Die for a little lap and lechery?
No, it shall ne’er be said in our country,
Thou diedsto’ th’ chin-cough. Hear, thou noble Roman,
The son of her that loves a soldier,
Hear what I promised for thee! thus I said:
“Lady, I take thy son to my companion;
Lady, I love thy son, thy son loves war,
The war loves danger, danger drink, drink discipline,
Which is society and lechery;
These two beget commanders: Fear not, lady;
Thy son shall lead.”

Jun. ’Tis a strange thing, Petillius,
That so ridiculous and loose a mirth
Can master your affections.

Pet. Any mirth,
And any way, of any subject, Junius,
Is better than unmanly mustiness.
What harm’s in drink? in a good wholesome wench?
I do beseech you, sir, what error? Yet
It cannot out of my head handsomely,
But thou wouldst fain be drunk; come, no more fooling;
The general has new wine, new come over.

Jun. He must have new acquaintance for it too,
For I will none, I thank ye.

Pet. “None, I thank you?”
A short and touchy answer! “None, I thank you?”
You do not scorn it, do you?

Jun. Gods defend, sir!
I owe him still more honour.

Pet. “None, I thank you?”
No company, no drink, no wench, “I thank you?”
You shall be worse entreated, sir.

Jun. Petillius,
As thou art honest, leave me!

Pet. “None, I thank you?”
A modest and a decent resolution,
And well put on. Yes; I will leave you, Junius,
And leave you to the boys, that very shortly
Shall all salute you, by your new sirname
Of “Junius None-I-thank- you.” I would starve now,
Hang, drown, despair, deserve the forks, lie open
To all the dangerous passes of a wench,
Bound to believe her tears, and wed her aches,
Ere I would own thy follies. I have found you,
Your lays, and out-leaps, Junius, haunts, and lodges;
I have viewed you, and I have found you by my skill
To be a fool o’ th’ first head, Junius,
And I will hunt you: You are in love, I know it;
You are an ass, and all the camp shall know it;
A peevish idle boy, your dame shall know it;
A wronger of my care, yourself shall know it.