December 9.I had a dream from which I waked up with a throbbing heart. I dreamed I was in Moscow
in my own house, in the big divan-room, and Osip Alexyevitch came out of the drawing-room. I dreamed
that I knew at once that the process of regeneration had begun in him, and I rushed to meet him. I kissed
his face and his hands, while he said: Do you notice that my face is different? I looked at him, still holding
him in my arms, and I dreamed that I saw that his face was young, but he had no hair on his head and
his features were quite different. And I dreamed that I said to him: I should have recognised you if I had
met you by chance; and thought as I said it, Am I telling the truth? And all at once I saw him lying like
a dead body; then he gradually came to himself again and went with me into the big study, holding a big
folio book of manuscript. And I dreamed I said: I wrote that. And he answered me by an inclination of
the head. I opened the book, and on all the pages were fine drawings. And in my dream I knew that
these pictures depicted the souls love adventures with its beloved. And I saw a beautiful presentment
of a maiden in transparent garments and with a transparent body flying up to the clouds. And I seemed
to know that this maiden was nothing else but the figure of the Song of Songs. And in my dream, as I
looked at these pictures, I felt I was doing wrong and could not tear myself away from them. Lord, help
me! My God, if Thy forsaking me is Thy doing, then Thy will be done; but if I am myself the cause, teach
me what I am to do. I perish from my vileness as though Thou wast utterly forsaking me.