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She slowly came back to me. Miss Jesselwas infamous. She once more took my hand in both her own, holding it as tight as if to fortify me against the increase of alarm I might draw from this disclosure. They were both infamous, she finally said. So, for a little, we faced it once more together; and I found absolutely a degree of help in seeing it now so straight. I appreciate, I said, the great decency of your not having hitherto spoken; but the time has certainly come to give me the whole thing. She appeared to assent to this, but still only in silence; seeing which I went on: I must have it now. Of what did she die? Come, there was something between them. There was everything. In spite of the difference? Oh, of their rank, their conditionshe brought it woefully out. she was a lady. I turned it over; I again saw. Yesshe was a lady. And he so dreadfully below, said Mrs. Grose. I felt that I doubtless neednt press too hard, in such company, on the place of a servant in the scale; but there was nothing to prevent an acceptance of my companions own measure of my predecessors abasement. There was a way to deal with that, and I dealt; the more readily for my full visionon the evidenceof our employers late clever, good-looking own man; impudent, assured, spoiled, depraved. The fellow was a hound. Mrs. Grose considered as if it were perhaps a little a case for a sense of shades. Ive never seen one like him. He did what he wished. With her? With them all. It was as if now in my friends own eyes Miss Jessel had again appeared. I seemed at any rate, for an instant, to see their evocation of her as distinctly as I had seen her by the pond; and I brought out with decision: It must have been also what she wished! Mrs. Groses face signified that it had been indeed, but she said at the same time: Poor womanshe paid for it! Then you do know what she died of? I asked. NoI know nothing. I wanted not to know; I was glad enough I didnt; and I thanked heaven she was well out of this! Yet you had, then, your idea Of her real reason for leaving? Oh, yesas to that. She couldnt have stayed. Fancy it herefor a governess! And afterward I imaginedand I still imagine. And what I imagine is dreadful. Not so dreadful as what I do, I replied; on which I must have shown heras I was indeed but too consciousa front of miserable defeat. It brought out again all her compassion for me, and at the renewed touch of her kindness my power to resist broke down. I burst, as I had, the other time, made her burst, into tears; she took me to her motherly breast, and my lamentation overflowed. I dont do it! I sobbed in despair; I dont save or shield them! Its far worse than I dreamedtheyre lost! |
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