is beside himself, he keeps asking for you. It is not to be reconciled with you that he wants you, but only that you would go and show yourself at his door. So much has happened to him since that day. He realises that he has injured you beyond all reckoning. He does not ask your forgiveness; its impossible to forgive me, he says himself, but only that you would show yourself in his doorway.
Its so sudden faltered Katya. I had a presentiment all these days that you would come with that message. I knew he would ask me to come. Its impossible!
Let it be impossible, but do it. Only think, he realises for the first time how he has wounded you, the first time in his life; he had never grasped it before so fully. He said, if she refuses to come I shall be unhappy all my life. Do you hear? though he is condemned to penal servitude for twenty years, he is still planning to be happyis not that piteous? Thinkyou must visit him; though he is ruined, he is innocent, broke like a challenge from Alyosha. His hands are clean, there is no blood on them! For the sake of his infinite sufferings in the future visit him now. Go, greet him on his way into the darknessstand at his door, that is all. You ought to do it, you ought to! Alyosha concluded, laying immense stress on the word ought.
I ought to but I cannot Katya moaned. He will look at me. I cant.
Your eyes ought to meet. How will you live all your life, if you dont make up your mind to do it now?
Better suffer all my life.
You ought to go, you ought to go, Alyosha repeated with merciless emphasis.
But why to-day, why at once? I cant leave our patient
You can for a moment. It will only be a moment. If you dont come, he will be in delirium by to-night. I would not tell you a lie; have pity on him!
Have pity on me! Katya said, with bitter reproach, and she burst into tears.
Then you will come, said Alyosha firmly, seeing her tears. Ill go and tell him you will come directly.
No, dont tell him so on any account, cried Katya in alarm. I will come, but dont tell him beforehand, for perhaps I may go, but not go in I dont know yet
Her voice failed her. She gasped for breath. Alyosha got up to go.
And what if I meet any one? she said suddenly, in a low voice, turning white again.
Thats just why you must go now, to avoid meeting any one. There will be no one there, I can tell you that for certain. We will expect you, he concluded emphatically, and went out of the room.
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