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silent, seeing that this host was frowning and preoccupied. But he was ready for any affable conversation as soon as his host should begin it. All at once his face expressed a sudden solicitude. I say, he began to Ivan, excuse me, I only mention it to remind you. You went to Smerdyakovs to find out about Katerina Ivanovna, but you came away without finding out anything about her, you probably forgot Ah, yes, broke from Ivan and his face grew gloomy with uneasiness. Yes, Id forgotten but it doesnt matter now, never mind, till to-morrow, he muttered to himself, and you, he added, addressing his visitor, I should have remembered that myself in a minute, for that was just what was tormenting me! Why do you interfere, as if I should believe that you prompted me, and that didnt remember it of myself? Dont believe it then, said the gentleman, smiling amicably, whats the good of believing against your will? Besides, proofs are no help to believing, especially material proofs. Thomas believed, not because he saw Christ risen, but because he wanted to believe, before he saw. Look at the spiritualists, for instance. I am very fond of them only fancy, they imagine that they are serving the cause of religion, because the devils show them their horns from the other world. That, they say, is a material proof, so to speak, of the existence of another world. The other world and material proofs, what next! And if you come to that, does proving theres a devil prove that theres a God? I want to join an idealist society, Ill lead the opposition in it, Ill say I am a realist, but not a materialist, he-he! Listen, Ivan suddenly got up from the table. I seem to be delirious I am delirious, in fact, talk any nonsense you like, I dont care! You wont drive me to fury, as you did last time. But I feel somehow ashamed I want to walk about the room I sometimes dont see you and dont even hear your voice as I did last time, but I always guess what you are prating, for its I, I myself speaking, not you. Only I dont know whether I was dreaming last time or whether I really saw you. Ill wet a towel and put it on my head and perhaps youll vanish into air. Ivan went into the corner, took a towel, and did as he said, and with a wet towel on his head began walking up and down the room. I am so glad you treat me so familiarly, the visitor began. Fool, laughed Ivan, do you suppose I should stand on ceremony with you? I am in good spirits now, though Ive a pain in my forehead and in the top of my head only please dont talk philosophy, as you did last time. If you cant take yourself off, talk of something amusing. Talk gossip, you are a poor relation, you ought to talk gossip. What a nightmare to have! But I am not afraid of you. Ill get the better of you. I wont be taken to a mad-house! Cest charmant, poor relation. Yes, I am in my natural shape. For what am I on earth but a poor relation? By the way, I am listening to you and am rather surprised to find you are actually beginning to take me for something real, not simply your fancy, as you persisted in declaring last time Never for one minute have I taken you for reality, Ivan cried with a sort of fury. You are a lie, you are my illness, you are a phantom. Its only that I dont know how to destroy you and I see I must suffer for a time. You are my hallucination. You are the incarnation of myself, but only of one side of me of my thoughts and feelings, but only the nastiest and stupidest of them. From that point of view you might be of interest to me, if only I had time to waste on you Excuse me, excuse me, Ill catch you. When you flew out at Alyosha under the lamp-post this evening and shouted to him. You learnt it from him! How do you know that he visits me? You were thinking of me then. So for one brief moment you did believe that I really exist, the gentleman laughed blandly. Yes, that was a moment of weakness but I couldnt believe in you. I dont know whether I was asleep or awake last time. Perhaps I was only dreaming then and didnt see you really at all |
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