In regard to my epilepsy, sir you had much better inquire of the doctors here. You can ask them whether it was a real fit or a sham; its no use my saying any more about it.
And the cellar? How could you know beforehand of the cellar?
You dont seem able to get over that cellar! As I was going down to the cellar, I was in terrible dread and doubt. What frightened me most was losing you and being left without defence in all the world. So I went down into the cellar thinking, Here, itll come on directly, itll strike me down directly, shall I fall? And it was through this fear that I suddenly felt the spasm that always comes and so I went flying. All that and all my previous conversation with you at the gate the evening before, when I told you how frightened I was and spoke of the cellar. I told all that to Doctor Herzenstube and Nikolay Parfenovitch, the investigating lawyer, and its all been written down in the protocol. And the doctor here, Mr. Varvinsky, maintained to all of them that it was just the thought of it brought it on, the apprehension that I might fall. It was just then that the fit seized me. And so theyve written it down, that its just how it must have happened, simply from my fear.
As he finished, Smerdyakov drew a deep breath, as though exhausted.
Then you have said all that in your evidence? said Ivan, somewhat taken aback.
He had meant to frighten him with the threat of repeating their conversation, and it appeared that Smerdyakov had already reported it all himself.
What have I to be afraid of? Let them write down the whole truth, Smerdyakov pronounced firmly.
And have you told them every word of our conversation at the gate?
Not, not to say every word.
And did you tell them that you can sham fits, as you boasted then?
No, I didnt tell them that either.
Tell me now, why did you send me then to Tchermashnya?
I was afraid youd go away to Moscow, Tchermashnya is nearer, anyway.
You are lying, you suggested my going away yourself; you told me to get out of the way of trouble.
That was simply out of affection and my sincere devotion to you, foreseeing trouble in the house, to spare you. Only I wanted to spare myself even more. Thats why I told you to get out of harms way, that you might understand that there would be trouble in the house, and would remain at home to protect your father.
You might have said it more directly, you blockhead! Ivan suddenly fired up.
How could I have said it more directly then? It was simply my fear that made me speak, and you might have been angry, too. I might well have been apprehensive that Dmitri Fyodorovitch would make a scene and carry away that money, for he considered it as good as his own, but who could tell that it would end in a murder like this? I thought that he would only carry off the three thousand that lay under the masters mattress in the envelope, and you see, hes murdered him. How could you guess it either, sir?
But if you say yourself that it couldnt be guessed, how could I have guessed and stayed at home? You contradict yourself! said Ivan pondering.
You might have guessed from my sending you to Tchermashnya and not to Moscow.
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