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Have you talked to the counsel? Whats the use of the counsel? I told him all about it. Hes a soft, citybred roguea Bernard! But he doesnt believe menot a bit of it. Only imagine, he believes I did it. I see it. In that case, I asked him, why have you come to defend me? Hang them all! Theyve got a doctor down, too, want to prove Im mad. I wont have that! Katerina Ivanovna wants to do her duty to the end, whatever the strain! Mitya smiled bitterly. The cat! Hard-hearted creature! She knows that I said of her at Mokroe that she was a woman of great wrath. They repeated it. Yes, the facts against me have grown numerous as the sands of the sea. Grigory sticks to his point. Grigorys honest, but a fool. Many people are honest because they are fools: thats Rakitins idea. Grigorys my enemy. And there are some people who are better as foes than friends. I mean Katerina Ivanovna. I am afraid, oh, I am afraid she will tell how she bowed to the ground after that four thousand. Shell pay it back to the last farthing. I dont want her sacrifice; theyll put me to shame at the trial. I wonder how I can stand it. Go to her, Alyosha, ask her not to speak of that in the court, cant you? But damn it all, it doesnt matter! I shall get through somehow. I dont pity her. Its her own doing. She deserves what she gets. I shall have my own story to tell, Alexey. He smiled bitterly again. Only only Grusha, Grusha! Good Lord! Why should she have such suffering to bear? he exclaimed suddenly, with tears. Grushas killing me; the thought of hers killing me, killing me. She was with me just now She told me she was very much grieved by you to-day. I know. Confound my temper! It was jealousy. I was sorry, I kissed her as she was going. I didnt ask her forgiveness. Why didnt you? exclaimed Alyosha. Suddenly Mitya laughed almost mirthfully. God preserve you, my dear boy, from ever asking forgiveness for a fault from a woman you love. From one you love especially, however greatly you may have been in fault. For a womandevil only knows what to make of a woman: I know something about them, anyway. But try acknowledging you are in fault to a woman. Say, I am sorry, forgive me, and a shower of reproaches will follow! Nothing will make her forgive you simply and directly, shell humble you to the dust, bring forward things that have never happened, recall everything, forget nothing, add something of her own, and only then forgive you. And even the best, the best of them do it. Shell scrape up all the scrapings and load them on your head. They are ready to flay you alive, I tell you, every one them, all these angels without whom we cannot live! I tell you plainly and openly, dear boy, every decent man ought to be under some womans thumb. Thats my convictionnot conviction, but feeling. A man ought to be magnanimous, and its no disgrace to a man! No disgrace to a hero, not even a Cæsar! But dont ever beg her pardon all the same for anything. Remember that rule given you by your brother Mitya, whos come to ruin through women. No, Id better make it up to Grusha somehow, without begging pardon. I worship her, Alexey, worship her, Only she doesnt see it. No, she still thinks I dont love her enough. And she tortures me, tortures me with her love. The past was nothing! In the past it was only those infernal curves of hers that tortured me, but now Ive taken all her soul into my soul and through her Ive become a man myself. Will they marry us? If they dont, I shall die of jealousy. I imagine something every day. What did she say to you about me? Alyosha repeated all Grushenka had said to him that day. Mitya listened, made him repeat things, and seemed pleased. Then she is not angry at my being jealous? he exclaimed. She is a regular woman! Ive a fierce heart myself! Ah, I love such fierce hearts, though I cant bear any ones being jealous of me. I cant endure it. We shall fight. But I shall love her, I shall love her infinitely. Will they marry us? Do they let convicts marry? Thats the question. And without her I cant exist Mitya walked frowning across the room. It was almost dark. He suddenly seemed terribly worried. |
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