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You thought so? What an eye youve got, I say! I bet that was when I was talking about the goose. That was just when I was fancying you had a great contempt for me being in such a hurry to show off, and for a moment I quite hated you for it, and began talking like a fool. Then I fanciedjust now, herewhen I said that if there were no God He would have to be invented, that I was in too great a hurry to display my knowledge, especially as I got that phrase out of a book. But I swear I wasnt showing off out of vanity, though I really dont know why, because I was so pleased, yes, I believe it was because I was so pleased though its perfectly, disgraceful for any one to be gushing directly they are pleased, I know that. But I am convinced now that you dont despise me; it was all my imagination. Oh, Karamazov, I am profoundly unhappy. I sometimes fancy all sorts of things, that every one is laughing at me, the whole world, and then I feel ready to overturn the whole order of things. And you worry every one about you, smiled Alyosha. Yes, I worry every one about me, especially my mother. Karamazov, tell me, am I very ridiculous now? Dont think about that, dont think of it at all! cried Alyosha. And what does ridiculous mean? Isnt every one constantly being or seeming ridiculous? Besides, nearly all clever people now are fearfully afraid of being ridiculous, and that makes them unhappy. All I am surprised at is that you should be feeling that so early, though Ive observed it for some time past, and not only in you. Nowadays the very children have begun to suffer from it. Its almost a sort of insanity. The devil has taken the form of that vanity and entered into the whole generation; its simply the devil, added Alyosha, without a trace of the smile that Kolya, staring at him expected to see. You are like every one else, said Alyosha, in conclusion, that is, like very many others. Only you must not be like everybody else, thats all. Even if every one is like that? Yes, even if every one is like that. You be the only one not like it. You really are not like every one else, here you are not ashamed to confess to something bad and even ridiculous. And who will admit so much in these days? No one. And people have even ceased to feel the impulse to self-criticism. Dont be like every one else, even if you were the only one. Splendid! I was not mistaken in you. You know how to console one. Oh, how I have longed to know you, Karamazov. Ive long been eager for this meeting. Can you really have thought about me, too? You said just now that you thought of me, too? Yes Id heard of you and had thought of you, too and if its partly vanity that makes you ask, it doesnt matter. Do you know, Karamazov, our talk had been like a declaration of love, said Kolya, in a bashful and melting voice. Thats not ridiculous, is it? Not at all ridiculous, and if it were, it wouldnt matter, because its been a good thing, Alyosha smiled brightly. But do you know, Karamazov, you must admit that you are a little ashamed yourself, now. I see it by your eyes. Kolya smiled with a sort of sly happiness. Why ashamed? Well, why are you blushing? It was you made me blush, laughed Alyosha, and he really did blush. Oh, well, I am a little, goodness knows why, I dont know he muttered almost embarrassed. Oh, how I love you and admire you at this moment just because you are rather ashamed! Because you are just like me, cried Kolya, in positive ecstasy. His cheeks glowed, his eyes beamed. |
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