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Why? Because, with that I destroyed, too, my dream of going to Katya and saying, Im a scoundrel, but not a thief! Do you understand now? Do you understand? What was it made you decide to do it yesterday? Nikolay Parfenovitch interrupted. Why? Its absurd to ask. Because I had condemned myself to die at five oclock this morning, here, at dawn. I thought it made no difference whether I died a thief or a man of honour. But I see its not so, it turns out that it does make a difference. Believe me, gentlemen, what has tortured me most during this night has not been the thought that Id killed the old servant, and that I was in danger of Siberia just when my love was being rewarded, and Heaven was open to me again. Oh, that did torture me, but not in the same way; not so much as the damned consciousness that I had torn that damned money off my breast at last and spent it, and had become a downright thief! Oh, gentlemen, I tell you again, with a bleeding heart, I have learnt a great deal this night. I have learnt that its not only impossible to live a scoundrel, but impossible to die a scoundrel. No, gentlemen, one must die honest Mitya was pale. His face had a haggard and exhausted look, in spite of his being intensely excited. I am beginning to understand you, Dmitri Fyodorovitch, the prosecutor said slowly, in a soft and almost compassionate tone. But all this, if youll excuse my saying so, is a matter of nerves, in my opinion your overwrought nerves, thats what it is. And why, for instance, should you not have saved yourself such misery for almost a month, by going and returning that fifteen hundred to the lady who had entrusted it to you? And why could you not have explained things to her, and in view of your position, which you describe as being so awful, why could you not have had recourse to the plan which would so naturally have occurred to ones mind, that is, after honourably confessing your errors to her, why could you not have asked her to lend you the sum needed for your expenses, which, with her generous heart, she would certainly not have refused you in your distress, especially if it had been with some guarantee, or even on the security you offered to the merchant Samsonov, and to Madame Hohlakov. I suppose you still regard that security as of value? Mitya suddenly crimsoned. Surely you dont think me such an out and out scoundrel as that? You cant be speaking in earnest? he said, with indignation, looking the prosecutor straight in the face, and seeming unable to believe his ears. I assure you Im in earnest. Why do you imagine Im not serious? It was the prosecutors turn to be surprised. Oh, how base that would have been! Gentlemen, do you know, you are torturing me! Let me tell you everything, so be it. Ill confess all my infernel wickedness, but to put you to shame, and youll be surprised yourself at the depth of ignominy to which a medley of human passions can sink. You must know that I already had that plan myself, that plan you spoke of, just now, prosecutor! Yes, gentlemen, I, too, have had that thought in my mind all this current month, so that I was on the point of deciding to go to KatyaI was mean enough for that. But to go to her, to tell her of my treachery, and for that very treachery, to carry it out, for the expenses of that treachery, to beg for money from her, Katya (to beg, do you hear, to beg), and to go straight from her to run away with the other, the rival, who hated and insulted herto think of it! You must be mad, prosecutor! Mad I am not, but I did speak in haste, without thinking of that feminine jealousy if there could be jealousy in this case, as you assert yes, perhaps there is something of the kind, said the prosecutor, smiling. But that would have been so infamous! Mitya brought his fist down on the table fiercely. That would have been filthy beyond everything! Yes, do you know that she might have given me that money, yes, and she would have given it too; shed have given it to satisfy her vengeance, to show her contempt for |
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