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hundred out of the three thousand, that is, only half. Next day I go and take that half to her: Katya, take this fifteen hundred from me, Im a low beast, and an untrustworthy scoundrel, for Ive wasted half the money, and I shall waste this, too, so keep me from temptation! Well, what of that alternative? I should be a beast and a scoundrel, and whatever you like; but not a thief, not altogether a thief, or I should not have brought back what was left, but have kept that, too. She would see at once that since I brought back half, I should pay back what Id spent, that I should never give up trying to, that I should work to get it and pay it back. So in that case I should be a scoundrel, but not a thief, you may say what you like, not a thief! I admit that there is a certain distinction, said the prosecutor, with a cold smile. But its strange that you see such a vital difference. Yes, I see a vital difference! Every man may be a scoundrel, and perhaps every man is a scoundrel, but not every one can be a thief, it takes an arch-scoundrel to be that. Oh, of course, I dont know how to make these fine distinctions but a thief is lower than a scoundrel, thats my conviction. Listen, I carry the money about me a whole month, I may make up my mind to give it back to-morrow, and Im a scoundrel no longer, but I cannot make up my mind, you see, though Im making up my mind every day, and every day spurring myself on to do it, and yet for a whole month I cant bring myself to it, you see. Is that right to your thinking, is that right? Certainly, thats not right, that I can quite understand, and that I dont dispute, answered the prosecutor with reserve. And let us give up all discussions of these subtleties and distinctions, and, if you will be so kind, get back to the point. And the point is, that you have still not told us, although weve asked you, why, in the first place, you halved the money, squandering one half and hiding the other? For what purpose exactly did you hide it, what did you mean to do with that fifteen hundred? I insist upon that question, Dmitri Fyodorovitch. Yes, of course! cried Mitya, striking himself on the forehead; forgive me, Im worrying you, and am not explaining the chief point, or youd understand in a minute, for its just the motive of it thats the disgrace! You see, it was all to do with the old man, my dear father. He was always pestering Agrafena Alexandrovna, and I was jealous; I thought then that she was hesitating between me and him. So I kept thinking every day, suppose she were to make up her mind all of a sudden, suppose she were to leave off tormenting me, and were suddenly to say to me, I love you, not him; take me to the other end of the world. And Id only forty kopecks; how could I take her away, what could I do? Why, Id be lost. You see, I didnt know her then, I didnt understand her, I thought she wanted money, and that she wouldnt forgive my poverty. And so I fiendishly counted out the half of that three thousand, sewed it up, calculating on it, sewed it up before I was drunk, and after I had sewn it up, I went off to get drunk on the rest. Yes, that was base. Do you understand now? Both the lawyers laughed aloud. I should have called it sensible and moral on your part not to have squandered it all, chuckled Nikolay Parfenovitch, for after all what does it amount to? Why, that I stole it, thats what it amounts to! Oh, God, you horrify me by not understanding! Every day that I had that fifteen hundred sewn up round my neck, every day and every hour I said to myself, youre a thief! youre a thief! Yes, thats why Ive been so savage all this month, thats why I fought in the tavern, thats why I attacked my father, it was because I felt I was a thief. I couldnt make up my mind, I didnt dare even to tell Alyosha, my brother, about that fifteen hundred: I felt I was such a scoundrel and such a pickpocket. But, do you know, while I carried it I said to myself at the same time every hour: No, Dmitri Fyodorovitch, you may yet not be a thief. Why? Because I might go next day and pay back that fifteen hundred to Katya. And only yesterday I made up my mind to tear my amulet off my neck, on my way from Fenyas to Perhotin. I hadnt been able till that moment to bring myself to it. And it was only when I tore it off that I became a downright thief, a thief and a dishonest man for the rest of my life. |
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