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Chapter 5 Now dont let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to swear them,imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too. Ill undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoisseur:though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing,- -as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, &c. &c. the whole set of em are so hung round and befetishd with the bobs and trinkets of criticism, or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a pityfor I have fetchd it as far as from the coast of Guiney;their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prickd and tortured to death by em. And how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night?Oh, against all rule, my lord,most ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together in number, case, and gender, he made a breach thus,stopping, as if the point wanted settling;and betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three fifths by a stop watch, my lord, each time.Admirable grammarian!But in suspending his voicewas the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance fill up the chasm?Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?I lookd only at the stop-watch, my lord.Excellent observer! And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?Oh! tis out of all plumb, my lord,quite an irregular thing!not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle.I had my rule and compasses, &c. my lord, in my pocket.Excellent critick! And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look atupon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of Bossustis out, my lord, in every one of its dimensions.- -Admirable connoisseur! And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back?Tis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group!and what a price!for there is nothing of the colouring of Titianthe expression of Rubensthe grace of Raphaelthe purity of Dominichinothe corregiescity of Corregiothe learning of Poussinthe airs of Guidothe taste of the Carrachisor the grand contour of Angelo.- -Grant me patience, just Heaven!Of all the cants which are canted in this canting worldthough the cant of hypocrites may be the worstthe cant of criticism is the most tormenting! I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his authors handsbe pleased he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humourgive meI ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with itand send Mercury, with the rules and compasses, if he can be spared, with my compliments tono matter. Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originalsexcept St. Pauls thumb Gods flesh and Gods fish, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kings oaths, tis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;else I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!it is thought to be no bad oathand by itself passes very wellG-d damn you.Set it beside ErnulphussGod almighty the Father damn youGod the Son damn youGod the Holy Ghost damn youyou see tis nothing.There is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his inventionpossessd more of the excellencies of a swearerhad such a thorough |
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